(Lafayette Street)
Saint Fan 1: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Saint Fan 2: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Saint Fan 1: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Saint Fan 2: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Saint Fan 1: I can%u2019t believe we%u2019re still shitfaced!
Saint Fan 2: I can!
Saint Fan 1: WE%u2019RE STILL FUCKING PARTYING OUR ASSES OFF!
Saint Fan 2: I don%u2019t even know what day it is!
Saint Fan 1: I haven%u2019t even gone back to work!
Saint Fan 2: I don%u2019t even know if there%u2019s still a job waiting for me!
Saint Fan 1: But who gives a shit?!
Saint Fan 2: THE SAINTS WON!
Saint Fan 1: The fucking Saints won!
Saint Fan 2: I can%u2019t believe it! I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AS I AM NOW!
Saint Fan 1: The Saints!
Saint Fan 2: The fucking Saints!
Saint Fan 1: Holy shit, THIS IS AWESOME.
Saint Fan 2: I never want this to end.
Saint Fan 1: This has to be the fucking greatest title celebration in the history of sports title celebrations.
Saint Fan 2: Agreed. I can%u2019t think of a sports title meaning more to one town than this!
(door flies open)
Tommy: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! FACK YOU! Oh, how easily people fackin%u2019 fahhhget! Do you New Ahhhhhleans faggots really think yar fackin%u2019 gay little title is impahhtant? Well, allow me to give you a little bit of a history lesson!
(goes to jukebox
, puts on Trapt record, every girl on the bar leaves)
Saint Fan 1: Who the hell are you?
Tommy: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! No one wawnts to hee-yah yar smawll mahhhket questions! YOU CUNT HAY-AH!!!!! Travel with me back in fackin%u2019 time! It is Awktobah of 200fahhhhhh!!! And the legendary fans of fackin%u2019 LARRY BIRD NATION have been waiting 86 fackin%u2019 yee-ahs far a title! You think about awll the meaningful names that have strolled through Fenway Pahhhhk during that time! Freddie Lynn! Jim Rice! Rawjah Clemens! Yaz! TEDDY FACKIN%u2019 BALLGAME, WHOSE RECAHHHHD STILL OUTSHINES THAT OF DREW BREES!
(takes off Sox hat and curls already-curled brim for no reason)
Saint Fan 2: What does this have to do with football?
Tommy: It has to do with my fackin%u2019 cawk in yar mothah%u2019s vaghole! Now, back to the starry. 86 yee-ahs we waited! And I don%u2019t have to tell you about Game 6! YOU FACKIN%u2019 SAINTS FANS CANNAWT UNDAHSTAND WHAT THAT WAS LIKE! IT WAS LIKE MY HAHHHHHT WAS TARN OUT OF MY CAWK! 86 yee-ahs! And this pahhhticulah Awktobah, we found ow-ahselves down to Jetah, A-Rawd, and those New Yark faggots 3-0! Othah teams would have folded, BUT OW-AH FANS WOULD NAWT LET THAT HAPPEN! You know what happens next!
(dips)
Saint Fan 1: Actually, I don%u2019t. I don%u2019t really follow baseball.
Tommy: What? FACK YOU! This is nawt just basebawll! THIS IS RED SAWX NATION DRAWMA! Dave Rawbarts steals second! BIG PAPI! THE BLOODY SAWK! FOULKE GETS THE FINAL OUT! IF YOU DON%u2019T THINK THAT WAS THE MOST MEANINGFUL TITLE WIN OF ALL TIME, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN%u2019T BE WATCHING SPARTS!
(Attends ESPN function at Sundance)
Saint Fan 2: I think you should leave.
Tommy: NAWT UNTIL YOU ACKNAWLEDGE OW-AH TITLE! Nothing could pawssibly be biggah than that! EVAH! You cawll this a pahhty? Awll I see ahhhh dahkies ready to take my fackin%u2019 wawllet! And those chicks have tits that ahhhh subpahhhh! And look at awll the new Saints hats
out hee-yah! You ahhhh nawt true fans! I%u2019ve been a diehahhhhd Sawx Nation citizen since 200fahhhhh! WE HAD A PARADE! WITH DUCK BOATS! THE ONLY TIME YOU FACKS WILL USE DUCK BOATS IS TO RESCUE RETAHHHDED DAHKIES FROM ROOFTOPS!
(wears fingerless weightlifting gloves in casual setting)
Saint Fan 1: Just go the fuck back to Boston, will you?
Tommy: NO! Nawt until I rank the most impahhhtant title wins of awll time! REAL SPARTS FANS RANK THINGS!
1. 200FAHHHH RED SAWX
2. 2007 Red Sawx
3. %u201986 Celtics. GREATEST HALFCART TEAM OF AWLL TIME! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
4. %u201901 Pats! The Pats were-ah the Saints befahhhhh the Saints were-ah the Saints! Rawd Rust! Dick MacFeeeyahhhson! Tony Eason! Need I say fackin%u2019 more-ah?!
5. %u201908 Celtics. BUT KEVIN GAHHHNETT HAS BAD KNEES NOW AND THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!You facks don%u2019t even crack the Tawp 5! No one cay-ahs about yar team unless I can relate it back to the Red Sawx!
(skips town before meaningful sports event actually takes place, because he%u2019s too cool for it)
Saint Fan 2: Didn%u2019t 106 million people watch us win it all?
Tommy: BECAWSE THEY WERE-AH HOPING TO PERHAPS RELIVE A BIT OF THE EUPHORIAHHHH FROM 200FAHHHHHH!!! You played far us! Don%u2019t you see? You played far the awnah of Tawmmy Brady, Billy Belichick, and Dustin Pedroiahhhh! YOU GOTTA LOVE PEDROIAH!
Saint Fan 1: Bouncer!
Tommy: What ahhh do you doin%u2019? AH you kickin%u2019 me out? YOU CAN%u2019T FACK WITH ME! I KNOW PEOPLE IN THE PRAWVIDENCE MAWB! RED SAWX NATION IS STILL CELEBRATING SIX YEE-AHS LATAH! CAWLL ME WHEN YOU DO THE SAME!!! YOU FACKS!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, surprises after the jump
This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 17th, 2010 at 9:37 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
A Fan disagrees how cool New Orleans winning the Super Bowl